My Math Autobiography

         I have never written an autobiography. So, I don't think it is any surprise that I have never written a math autobiography. In fact, even after all of the reflecting that I have done as an education student, I have never thought about it in that way before. Now that I think about it, it is kind of a neat way of looking at it, since all of my subject experiences have helped shape who I am today. Regardless, I am about to write my first autobiography, and more specifically, my first math autobiography!

       I guess Kindergarten is a good place to start. My first experience with math in a school setting was probably playing with the large, brightly coloured blocks during play time on that first day. Although, at the time, I did not realize that. Throughout the Primary grades, my teachers took great care in surrounding us with numbers, and making them become very familiar to us. I remember seeing plenty of large, brightly coloured posters that displayed concepts such as groups of ten, counting by twos, and so on. I also remember having a math centre in each of my Primary grades, and in this centre there was an abundance of counters, blocks, buttons, plastic figurines, worksheets, ten frames, sticks, "jacks", games and so much more! I remember having so much fun in these centres that I don't think I ever viewed it as learning. To me, going to a centre was the playtime that I looked forward to after completing seat-work. Into the elementary grades however, there was a significant decrease in the amount of informal exposure we were given to mathematical concepts. This became more and more true with each increasing grade. After grade three, and maybe even grade two, almost everything that I can remember being displayed on the walls represented science, and reading and writing concepts. Much of my memory surrounding math in the Elementary grades surrounds the daunting task of memorizing my times tables and having my parents quiz me on them nightly. There were no more math games or math centres, and math suddenly became something that most of us were frightened of. Perhaps the intimidation came with the seriousness with which most math concepts were now delivered to us. It seemed as though we were no longer allowed to "enjoy" math, and so, it became much more of a requirement than an intrigue, as it had been in the primary grades, at least for myself.   

         There is one experience in particular that stands out for me when I think about Math. It occurred in Elementary school, and is probably one of the worst school experiences that I have had in those years. I was in grade 6 and we were doing a chapter on graphing. First of all, let me tell you-I hated graphing, and to be completely honest, I am still not all that tore up about it. Looking back, I guess this little fact added to the trauma of this experience. I was called up to graph a problem in front of the class on the large graph paper. I did not have the problem completed yet, but I did not want to admit this because it seemed as though the rest of the class had already moved on. So, I went up to the front, and gave it my best shot. While there, I completely blanked out. I panicked. I could not, for the life of me, even begin the graph because I could not decide on a scale that would fit the problem. After several minutes, I could hear some of my classmates snickering, and with each giggle, my face burned hotter. My teacher would not allow me to sit down until I could figure out a scale that worked. Looking back, I am not really sure on the time frame. I may have only been up there for five minutes. But, what I can tell you is this-it felt like, and still does feel like, I was there for an eternity. As an adult looking back on this experience, I have come to the realization that much of my fear of Mathematics stems from this one experience. It may have seemed relatively insignificant to my teacher at the time, and I am sure if you were to ask any one of my classmates about it, they would not even as much as remember the incident. However, I believe it was enough to instil a fear of Math within me.

        When I stop to think about whether I was "good" or "not good" at math, it is hard to come to a conclusion that is not clouded by my perception of math as being a scary subject. I know that I have always secretly really enjoyed math. The secretive part came from my wanting an excuse to back up any poor grades in the subject, which, I was certain I would get. It did not matter how many 90's and even 100's I received in math, I still did not, and could not, believe that I was strong in math. I would like to say that as an adult looking back, I can see now that I really am good at math. However, if I am being totally honest, I  have had these exact feelings in the most recent math courses that I have done, even at the university level. I guess some scars never heal!

       During my Primary years, I feel that the best way to describe my teachers' role in math would be as facilitators. It feels to me as though they kind of stepped back and let us do the discovering, after they had given us the tools and beginning knowledge we needed to do so. As I mentioned previously, in the Primary grades, we were made to feel as though math was fun and we were encouraged to learn through play. This probably contributes to my view that their feelings towards math were positive. In the Elementary grades, I feel as though the role of my teachers changed from facilitator to dictator. Most of what I remember being taught to us was done so in a fairly rigid fashion, with not much opportunity for exploration or self-discovery, outside of "you may start working from #1, or you can jump ahead if you like, and go back to the rest later." As a whole, I cannot really seem to pin-point how I think my Elementary teachers felt about math. I think that they were fairly neutral from what I can remember, and did not really favour it over any other subject, nor did they ignore its importance. I just remember feeling as though if I did not do each problem in the exact, precise way that they just showed me on the board...I was doomed.

      Assessment has alway been a source of anxiety for me in any subject, even those in which I am confident in my abilities. So, you can imagine my delight in having a math test put in front of me! What I remember about assessment is that it was usually very formal, and in the form of a written test. I cannot remember much in the way of informal assessment, but I like to think that it was really just so informal that I didn't even know it was happening!

      During high school my fear of math both continued, and dramatically increased. By high school, I was almost consistently a straight A student, and math was no exception. However, within the walls of my mind, I was just not good with math. I remember my math teacher in grade 10, pleading with both me and my parents that I take the advanced math program, because he believed that was where I should be. Needless to say, I ignored his pleading and continued on the regular stream because I did not believe I was capable of advanced math. I still regret that decision to this day.

      Since beginning post-secondary education, I have to admit that I have not given much thought to math outside of the courses that were required to apply to the Faculty of Education. I have taken Math 1090, and Math 1051. I did very well in both courses, and even got a 92 in Math 1051. However, the entire course caused me a major amount of stress and worry, and a constant feeling of "I'm going to fail". Whenever possible, I have steered clear of dealing with math in major ways in my life. However, I am about to engage with math in the most significant and tremendously important way that a person ever could- I am going to teach it. Because of this, I am ready and willing to look at math in a new light, and I am dedicated to doing everything in my power to ensure that my students will not fear math, but will embrace it!

This, is my unfinished math autobiography.